His Butler, Saving Him
by SilenceintheGraveyard
Summary: Eight years is a long time to be fueled by revenge. Too long. But if Ciel isn't filled with hatred, what else is there? Warning: attempted suicide.


_The world is a dark and desolate place._

Ciel Phantomhive walked down the grand halls of his mansion dressed all in blue, a dark shadow in his wake. His thoughts echoed like pathetic cries in a giant cavern; hollow and useless in their utterance. Never had the earl felt so utterly alone. For the past eight years hatred had been his companion, but now it had somehow slipped from his grasp, leaving behind a crushing emptiness that was worse than his grief had ever been. Maybe eight years was too long to be fueled by revenge, but that was all he had.

 _This world is so full of wretchedness that I can hardly believe the rest of them don't let despair take them over, as it has me. How do they smile? How do they play and laugh and fall in love? How do they even cry? I used to know…_

Ciel pondered this as he made his way to his bedroom, trying to dredge up some remnants of feelings from the depths of his soul. But he couldn't. He just didn't care anymore. It was such an awful, hollow feeling that he could hardly stand it. But that didn't matter—it would all be over soon.

He reached his door and pushed it open, the room beyond coming into view before eyes that could no longer see the beauty in it. It was just a room. Ciel pulled open his bedside drawer and took out an ornate box, in which he kept his gun, which was always loaded. He drew it out, stroking the cold iron and giving a hollow smile that came from nothing but a vague sort of contentment, because this was his release from the darkness that swaddled him. He sat upon the bed, cradling the gun in his lap.

 _I wonder, where would be the best place to hit?_

Truth be told Ciel hadn't put much thought into this. He hadn't even planned to do it until he was walking down the hall towards his room. It wasn't even a big decision, he'd just sort of…decided, like one decides to go with earl grey tea over green. Ciel tried a few different places, first putting the barrel in his mouth, then against his forehead, then finally his temple. But he didn't like the feel of the cold iron on his skin. And he realized he wanted it to hurt…a slower death. Ciel asked himself why, and thought perhaps it was due to lingering affection for Sebastian…he wanted the demon to have a chance to take his soul. After all, by killing himself he would be breaking the contract. And Sebastian had waited eight years to taste it.

Ciel decided to point the gun at his chest, held at arm's length. He reached back to untie his eye patch with his free hand as he cocked the hammer. His eyes closed, index finger twitching against the trigger.

 _I'm sorry, Sebastian,_ Ciel thought. _Goodbye…_

The demon's face was the last thing Ciel pictured before he pulled the trigger.

 _CRACK!_

The gunshot echoed through the air, deafening to Ciel's ears. His eyes flew open in shock as he felt the hot powder burn his cheek. Time seemed to have stopped. He'd heard the shot, he could see the smoking barrel clutched in his hand, but his heart still beat. He was alive. And frozen centimeters from his chest was the bullet, pinched between two gloved fingers…

"I never expected I'd have to protect your life from your own hands, Bocchan," Sebastian said. His voice was low and unreadable.

Hearing Sebastian use his childish nickname made Ciel feel thirteen again. And his hand, which had been so steady before, began to tremble. He dropped the gun on the bed as he struggled to draw breath around his thundering heart. He tried to speak, but his voice stuck in his throat. Instead he craned his neck upward to meet Sebastian's scarlet eyes. They were narrowed, his mouth pulled down in a slight frown.

"S-Sebastian," Ciel managed to stammer.

Sebastian leaned forward, pulling off his glove with his teeth to expose his contract seal. "Did you mean to break our contract, my lord?" he asked. "How unkind. I never imagined you'd try to keep your soul from me."

"I…it wasn't about the contract," Ciel said. "I was even going to make it slow, so you could still take it…my soul." For some reason he found he could no longer look at Sebastian, so he cast his eyes downward.

"Yes," Sebastian leaned in closer, "it would have been slow. I may have even been able to save you, if your breastbone is as strong as your resolve."

"Why did you stop me, Sebastian?" Ciel's voice shook, and his eyes burned with tears.

He felt the mattress shift and looked up to see the demon kneeling in front of him, reaching out to cup the boy's face in his hands. Ciel shivered at the touch.

"Because I am to protect your life at all costs," He said simply. "You are my master, and the very first order you gave me was to save you. So I did."

Ciel blinked, causing his unshed tears to roll down his cheeks. Sebastian wiped them away, leaning in close to his young lord.

"Demons cannot feel as humans do, so I have never understood why a human would try to take their own life. Your survival instincts are usually too strong. So tell me why, bocchan. What drove you to this?"

Sebastian's sincerity surprised Ciel, so much so that he didn't hesitate to answer.

"My hatred is gone. But without it, I am nobody; I am empty. I didn't care…I didn't care to live anymore."

"Tell me how I can change that, and whatever it is I'll do it," Sebastian swore. "I'll fill you to the brim with feeling again…what kind of a butler would I be if I couldn't even do that?"

Tears continued to fall thick and fast down Ciel's cheeks. Sebastian's promise made him feel like the young man he really was again, and a sudden boldness flowed through him. He reached up a trembling hand to touch Sebastian's chest.

"You're already doing it," he whispered.

"I don't underst—"

Sebastian was cut off as Ciel launched himself forward to bury his face in his chest. His scarlet eyes widened as he felt the embrace of his young lord, but then he smiled, returning the embrace. Ciel clung to his demon, wailing out his misery into the fine wool tailcoat.

"Ah, I see now, Bocchan," Sebastian said. "So this is what you need of me."

Sebastian pushed Ciel back, lifting his chin upwards with one hand and admiring his mismatched eyes; one sapphire, one amethyst. Then he brought his lips down upon his master's, kissing him deeply. Ciel's eyes widened in shock; could Sebastian actually be kissing him? He'd wanted that for so long...so long. He settled into the kiss, returning it, both hands snaking up to entwine in Sebastian's raven locks. After a moment Sebastian broke it.

"Do you know why Demons must devour human souls, my lord?" Sebastian asked.

"It is your food," Ciel said, surprised by the question.

"It is to fill a void within us. Which, I suppose, is similar to why humans eat. But it runs deeper than that. True, there are some Demons to whom human souls have become nothing more than food—that's what they get for snatching up any soul they can find. But for those like me, who choose carefully and dedicate themselves to a soul, it fills a gnawing void—a void where deep, complex, human emotion should be. We eat souls so we can feel deeply. And you, Bocchan, will make me feel more than I could ever imagine." Sebastian leaned in and kissed Ciel's jaw, then his neck, then his ear. "Please don't ever try to leave me like that again, Bocchan," he whispered.

"I…I won't," Ciel promised.

Sebastian smiled against Ciel's neck and sighed.

"You said you can't feel," Ciel said, slightly breathless. "But you seem full of emotion to me."

"I can feel emotions shallowly;" Sebastian said, "remnants of past souls I've consumed. And all demons can feel rage quite deeply; it's part of our nature. But when a demon makes a contract, they can… _borrow_ …feeling from their master's soul. So you, bocchan, are quite literally… _my love_."

A shiver passed over Ciel, and he felt heat flare in his cheeks as he gazed at his butler, who had just called him "my love." He felt a peculiar floating sensation in his chest that he almost recognized as…happiness?

"I love you, Sebastian," Ciel whispered. He grabbed his demon by the coat and pulled him down on top of him, lying back against the silken sheets. He stared at the dark, beautiful form looming above him, desiring nothing more than for those lips to be upon him again. Sebastian leaned down and whispered "my love," into his ear before kissing him again, and this time it was deep and passionate. Ciel moaned in response, his lips parting beneath Sebastian's, hand reaching up to tangle in his raven hair. Sebastian's tongue darted in, exploring and _tasting._

The demon's tongue licked across his master's lips, his neck, the shell of his ear. Ciel sighed in enjoyment, undoing the buttons of Sebastian's jacket and shirt so he could touch the smooth skin beneath.

"Say my name," Ciel commanded as Sebastian's lips caressed his neck and jaw.

"Ciel," Sebastian pronounced the name slowly, as though savoring it. Ciel thought it sounded wonderful in Sebastian's voice.

"Sebastian, this is an order," Ciel said, struggling to keep his voice steady. "My soul is yours and yours alone. Do everything in your power to make sure I never feel empty again."

Ciel's amethyst eye glowed, showing off the contract seal, and Sebastian's demon eyes flashed.

"Yes, my lord."


End file.
